Why Are We Afraid to Say “No”?
This idea is explored in the latest episode of OPSI: Obrolan Psikologi, presented by the Faculty of Psychology UGM in collaboration with TVRI Yogyakarta. In the first episode of OPSI this year, Lusiana Yashinta Ellysa Putri, S.Psi., M.Sc., a lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology at Universitas Gadjah Mada (UGM), discusses a popular phenomenon amongst many individuals in Indonesia.
In everyday life, it is not common for someone to refuse other people’s requests, even when it sacrifices their own needs. This tendency, known as people pleasing, is a pattern of consistently prioritising others’ needs in order to gain approval or maintain their comfort, often at the expense of one’s own needs.
How do we know if we’re people pleasers?
People who struggle with this tendency find it difficult to refuse other people’s requests, even in situations where they are already overwhelmed. They may take on excessive responsibilities and suppress their own feelings, and constantly overthink how others react.
According to Lusiana, this behaviour does not appear suddenly; it is often shaped by deeper psychological and social factors. One key factor is parenting style. It becomes particularly significant when affection or praise is conditional. For example, when a child receives praise only after achieving something. Over time, this can lead individuals to associate self-worth with external approval.
Cultural influences also play an important role. In Indonesian culture, especially the Javanese culture, values such as ‘ewuh pakewuh’ or a sense of reluctance or discomfort in rejecting others can reinforce tendencies to prioritise social harmony over personal boundaries.
While it may seem harmless, people pleasing can have serious consequences. Continuously suppressing emotions and taking on too many responsibilities can lead to burnout, both physically and emotionally. If it’s left unaddressed, it could develop into mental disorders such as anxiety or even depression.
So, what should we do?
The first step is self-awareness or recognising that it is not possible to please everyone. From there, individuals need to begin setting healthy boundaries and understand that they are not obliged to be available at all times for everyone.
Luisiana also emphasises the importance of assertive communication. Saying no to others does not have to be aggressive and confrontational. For example, instead of immediately agreeing, one might respond, “I’m currently occupied, how about we discuss it tomorrow?” This way, we could be respectful and maintain boundaries.
A shift in perspective is also equally important. We should remember that we are not responsible for how others react to the boundaries we set.
Finally, the discussion highlights the importance of me-time. Taking time for yourself is not selfish; it’s rather essential. Just like an oxygen mask on aeroplanes, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can effectively support others.
Ultimately, learning to say no is not about rejecting others, but about respecting others.
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Author: Arrasya Aninggadhira